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mcmansionhell:
You know what the point of columns are? To support shit.
However, 99% of the time, McMansion builders didn’t care about that. To them, columns were there to show how rich you were. They put columns (also called pillars) on goddamn everything, even if it didn’t match the style of the house, or made absolutely no sense whatsoever.
Before I get started on this informative roast guide to why McMansion columns are so goddamn awful, here’s a pic that explains the parts of a column so i don’t have to type it out:
Now, no one is saying that everyone has to follow the Classical Architectural Orders or anything like that. That shit is a billion years old. However, there are certain design guidelines for the sizing and spacing of columns that are not set in stone (pun intended) but they do work as generally good rules of thumb.
Column Placement & Sizing Rules of Thumb:
1.) Column Height: The height of a single story column should be at least 10 times the diameter of said column, e.g. if you have a 6-inch wide column, that column should be at least 60 inches tall. The height of a two-story column should be at least 8 times the diameter of said column. A two story column should always be wider than a single story column or else it looks pitiful.
2.) Column Spacing: It’s generally good practice to use an even number of columns to create an odd number of spaces, but this rule is, of course, flexible.
3.) Beam / Entablature Depth: Not all columns need to end in a full entablature, like in the photo above. Columns also end in a terminating beam, which has much fewer architectural details. The depth of an entablature refers to how tall it is. Apparently saying “entablature height” is too confusing.
The beam or entablature depth should be at least 2 times the diameter of the column supporting it. This means that having giant ass columns supporting a beam/entablature that is flush against the wall of the house makes it look stunted.
4.) Beam / Entablature Thickness: The beam thickness should be equal to the diameter of the columns supporting it.
McMansions suck shit at columns. A McMansion’s columns usually have at least one or more of the following flaws:
Column Catastrophes: How McMansions Abuse A Beloved Architectural Feature
1.) Columns are too damn tall, and the pediment is too damn big.
2.) Columns are too pathetic to support the mass and visual weight of the roof or pediment.
3.) Column spacing makes no sense or is over-complicated.
4.) Columns are the wrong architectural style relative to the rest of the design. Even if the column shaft is the right style, the base or the capital can still be architecturally incorrect.
Without further ado, let the roast begin.
Column Catastrophe No. 1: The Columns Are Too Damn Tall, & The Pediment is Too Damn Big.
This column catastrophe can also be described as having “a pediment with a house attached” rather than the proper “house with a pediment attached.” Often, the columns, entablature and pediment are out of scale with the primary mass of the home, forming a secondary mass that completely dominates the facade. The below house would be a lovely and well-designed house if it weren’t for the, well…
Note how the builder establishes architectural rhythm through the visual continuation between the roofline and the cornice of the pediment.
Column Catastrophe No. 2: Columns too puny to support the weight of whatever it is they’re holding up.
This is by far the most common McMansion column faux pas, and often the most hilarious. Pediments and roofs carry a certain amount of not only physical, but visual weight. Columns that are too short or too small to properly support this weight make the house seem stunted and poorly planned.
Some prime examples:
Column Catastrophe No. 3: Numbers of Columns, and their Grouping/Spacing Makes No Goddamn Sense
Even-numbered columns work best because our eyes can easily group them together in even numbered group. That odd-ball column really messes things up for us. Huge or small gaps between columns can throw off the architectural rhythm of the facade. In some designs, there are too many columns or not enough.
Finally, we reach our last stop on the lame train:
Column Catastrophe No. 4: The Columns Don’t Match the Architecture of the Rest of the House
Certain styles of architecture (such as the Craftsman style) require aesthetic consistency in order to look authentic. Putting Doric or Corinthian columns on a Craftsman-styled house looks really dumb and out of place. Got a Federal or Colonial revival-styled house? Don’t put craftsman-styled columns on it. You would think this would be simple to understand, but apparently it totally isn’t.
There we have it, folks! Stay tune for the next McMansions 101: Mansion vs McMansion - Part 1, where we discuss what distinguishes a proper mansion from its whore cousin the McMansion.
All real estate photos are screenshots of real-estate aggregate Zillow.com. The use of this content is for the non-commercial purpose of criticism, education, or sometimes parody and is protected by the Fair Use clause of the DMCA.
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